In a rut

I feel a little uninspired.

I have started to write several posts over the last few days, but nothing feels authentic or worth publishing. I am hitting a road block and hoping that writing about my lack of original thought might help get the juices flowing.

When the writing works for me, it is truly therapeutic  I don’t have to think too much, the words just come. Now, I think I’m forcing it a bit; however, I think I have to. If I always wait for the right moment, the right feeling to strike, I won’t write much of anything at all.

I have stagnated in my plans to get more freelance writing work as well. I have leads to follow and some self-marketing to do, but I am having trouble getting the ball rolling. Something is holding me back.

Staying at home with the little guy is unpredictable (despite the daily eat/play/nap schedule I printed out and posted on the fridge. I think I can hear more seasoned moms laughing at my naivete) The lack of real routine has caused me to get a little too comfortable with a weekend-style day on the weekdays. I play with him, we read books and take walks. All well and good. But when he naps, I fold laundry. I Facebook. I don’t do the work I said I was going to do. Heck, sometimes I don’t even shower, which just leaves me feeling unready for the day.

As he gets older, he is content for longer stretches just bouncing in his little bouncer, which leaves me with even fewer excuses for not getting my act together and working more. 

I desperately want to make working from home work, but I seem to be standing in my own way. Even blogging has not provided an outlet–I keep feeling like I have nothing worth writing.

So I’m in a rut. 

A little home office inspiration. Credit: hgtv.com. Designer: Meg Caswell

So tonight I am reorganizing my office space. If I don’t lie to myself, I realize that this project is just another form of procrastination from the task at hand. However, I hold tight to the hope that a reorganized, refreshed office space will leave me more inspired to get to the real work…starting tomorrow.

Any advice on how to overcome this creative drain? Anyone else in a creative slump?

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Writing like no one is watching

Right along the lines of perfectionism and procrastination is the terrible, awful, crippling habit of avoidance. Avoidance is different than procrastination in that I try my darndest, not to delay a task, but to avoid ever doing the task I dread.

This habit most definitely stems from perfectionism—if I feel as though I have failed in some way, it is so disturbing to me that I seek to somehow never face up to whatever it was that made me feel like a failure again. Ever. Even if I have to alphabetize the bookshelf, re-wrap the lights on the Christmas tree, or write snail mail letters to avoid my email, I take avoidance seriously. And it is driving me crazy.

One of the things I am ashamed to say I am avoiding is writing a new post for this blog. Two years ago, when I started blogging, I was pretty certain no one would ever read my posts. And I was OK with that—my inner thoughts were just out there, floating. It provided some creative release without revealing anything to anyone.

Don’t get me wrong—I’ve always wanted to be an active blogger. I was just a little scared of what people would think of what I thought, or that I don’t have anything all that interesting to say.

Then I was freshly pressed. I realize how very fortunate that is, and I am very grateful. I was truly humbled and inspired by the response to my previous post “Having it all, or losing my mind?” The response was overwhelmingly positive and encouraging, and I am so thankful for each person who took the time to read and comment.

So I should be relieved, right? Unfortunately, not quite.

I began to think about the list of ideas I had for future posts. Suddenly, they all seemed terrible. People may actually be watching and reading now. I had to raise the bar! Cue the avoidance.

I don’t want this to come off as though I have no confidence in my writing. It’s just, in typical “me” fashion; I have analyzed and avoided the situation to the point of paralysis.

However, like so many of the other challenges I’ve faced, the only way for me to feel better about the situation is to write about it. In order to un-avoid the situation is to write it out as honestly as possible—as if no one is reading.

Of course, if you are reading—thank you. I really will get better about this!